(English translation available after the Chinese article)

這是思嘉聽過的故事：

有個爸爸跟兒子參加一個收費的親子活動，
到達活動場地後，
兒子一直在滑電話。

主持宣佈活動快要開始，
爸爸跟兒子說：
「活動開始了，快收起電話，出去玩。」

兒子卻沒好氣地回應：
「我沒有興趣參加這個活動，我只想玩網絡遊戲。」

爸爸感到很失望，
然後大聲責罵兒子：
「你真是個沒用的兒子，很愚蠢。
我付了錢，
你不參加活動，
簡直浪費了我的金錢！」

你聽到這個故事後，
有甚麼感覺？

爸爸有這樣的反應是情有可原的，
的確爸爸當初報名參加活動，
一心是希望兒子能投入去玩，
與兒子享受親子活動。
兒子這樣不投入，
爸爸失望是很正常的。

可是爸爸這樣的處理方法正確嗎？

爸爸還未了解兒子為何不願意參與活動，
就去罵他，
有沒有想過，
為甚麼兒子會反抗？

或許兒子身體不舒服？
或許他到了新環境需要時間適應？
或許他害羞，不想自己一人參加活動？

爸爸應該耐心地跟他溝通，
而不要這樣罵兒子，
一來兒子肯定不會賣帳，
二來辱罵兒子會影響他的心理，
更會影響親子關係。

親子溝通真是一門大學問呢！
讓我們一起探討一下親子溝通的好方法。

1. 從孩子的角度看事情

大人看事情的角度跟孩子不一樣，
我們認為理所當然的事，
孩子卻不是這樣想。

正如上述故事內的孩子，
他不喜歡這些活動就不會玩，
並不會像爸爸這樣想，
付了錢不玩就是浪費金錢。

我們跟孩子要有良好的溝通，
首先要從他們的角度看事情，
嘗試理解他們的心理，
這樣可以幫助我們更有理性和耐心去跟孩子溝通。

2. 千萬不要羞辱孩子

故事內爸爸向孩子說一些羞辱的話，
罵他沒用，
罵他很愚笨，
久而久之，
會減低孩子的自我價值。

當孩子做錯事，
我們應該把注意力放在孩子的行為上，
用鼓勵的態度去改善孩子不當的行為，
而不是一味羞辱孩子。

3. 接納孩子

身為父母的應該讓孩子知道，
不論孩子怎樣也好，
爸媽都會接納他，
都會愛他，
而不是只活在父母的期望中。

當孩子得到父母的接納，
就會建立安全感，
願意與別人溝通，
願意告訴別人自己的想法和感受。
但接納孩子，
並不代表接納孩子所有行為，
當孩子出現不當行為，
我們應該循循善誘，
幫助他成長。

4. 多用正面說話

我們不時會聽到父母教導孩子會說：
「不要跑」、
「不要大聲說話」、
「不要站在電視前看電視」。

大人以為這些指令很清晰，
但對孩子來說，
他們只知道不可以做甚麼，
卻不知道應該做甚麼。

爸媽給予的指令應該是正面的，
這樣孩子才知道應該如何做才是對的。
大人經常說「不要ＸＸ」、「不可以ＸＸ」，
更會強調了不當行為，
孩子或會繼續做不當行為，
甚至變本加厲。

上述的「不要ＸＸ」可以改成：
「不要跑」🡪 「慢慢走」
「不要大聲說話」🡪「輕聲說話」
「不要站在電視機前看電視」🡪「坐在梳化看電視」

5. 理解孩子的情緒和感受

當孩子哭泣，
你會如何處理？
是不是告訴他；
「不要哭！」
「這樣小事不用哭！」

我們經常誤解，
負面情緒是不好的事，
因此當孩子的負面情緒出現，
例如傷心、失望、灰心、憤怒時，
第一時間就想處理掉孩子這些情緒，
叫孩子不要傷心，不要失望，不要灰心，不要憤怒。

有沒有想過，
叫孩子不要有負面情緒，
會令孩子感到自己的感受不獲接納，
更不懂得如何處理情緒？

當孩子傷心、失望時，
抱抱他，拍拍他，
跟他說：「爸爸（媽媽）知道你丟失了心愛的玩具，感到不開心啊！」
讓孩子知道爸媽明白他的感受，
他也能接納自己。

當自己有情緒時，
學會告訴爸媽，
一起分擔。
將來孩子也學會接納其他人的情緒，
與別人建立信任的關係。

爸媽與孩子好好溝通，
乃建立親子關係的基礎。

資料來源：

8 psychologist-backed tips for improving communication with kids

7 Tips for Effective Communication with Your School-aged Child

本文章所發表的全部內容均屬個人意見，並不代表Little Monkey之言論及立場。

關於作者

思嘉是一個在職媽媽，兒子約四歲，很明白在職爸媽面對的挑戰，希望能透過文字，跟各位爸媽分享有關為人父母的課題，互相支持和勉勵。

Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Scarlesson

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[ENGLISH TRANSLATION]

This is a story heard from another parent:

A father and son joined a paid event but upon arrival at the destination, the child continuously played on his phone. When the host announced that the event was about to start, the father said to the child:
“The event is about to start, put away your phone and come out to play.”

The son replied in a rude way,
“I am not interested in joining this event, I just want to play games online.”

The father was very disappointed and so he yelled at his son, “You’re a useless boy, so stupid. I paid for the event so if you don’t join then it’s a waste of my money!”

When you hear this story, how do you feel? It’s understandable that the father is disappointed as when he registered for the event, he had hoped that his son would join in the event and share in the parent child bonding. So, it is normal for the father to be disappointed. But is his method correct in handling the situation?

Without understanding the reason why his son didn’t agree to join the event, the father went and yelled at him. Did the father ever think about why his son would “rebel”? Or maybe his son was not feeling well? Or maybe he needed more time to adjust to a new environment? Or maybe he was why and did not want to join the event alone? The father should patiently try to communicate with his son instead of yelling at him. First, the child would not give in easily. Second, yelling at his son will affect him psychologically and would also affect the parent-child relationship.

The topic of parent-child communication is deeply intricate and complex. Let us explore some parent-child communication methods.

1. Look at the situation from the child’s point of view

A parent’s point of view of a situation is different from a child’s point of view. Things that we just assume are the way it is might not be the way a child sees it.

Just like the child in the above story, if he does not like this type of event then he would not play. He would not follow the father’s thinking that it would be a waste of money not to play after paying.

In order to have a good communication with our child, we must first look at the situation from their point of view. Try to understand their way of thinking and in turn, this could help us to be rational and more patient to improve our communication with the child.

2. Never humiliate the child

In the story, the father said some humiliating words like calling him useless and stupid. Over time, this will lower a child’s self-worth.

When a child does something wrong, we should focus on the child’s behavior. We should use encouraging attitude to change the child’s unacceptable behavior and not to humiliate the child instead.

3. Accept the child

As parents, we should let our children know that no matter what, we will accept them and love them, instead of forcing them to only live up to the parent’s expectation.

Once a child receives the parent’s acceptance, they will feel a sense of security and be willing to open up and communicate their feelings and thinking to others.

While accepting the child, it does not mean you accept their bad behaviors as well.  We should instead guide the child patiently and help him to grow.

4. Speak more positively

We would often hear parents chastise their child with phrases like,
“Don’t run”
“Don’t speak so loud”
“Don’t stand in front of the television to watch”

Parents might think that these instructions are very clear but to a child, they will only know not to do these things but not what they should be doing instead.

The instructions from the parents should be positive as this will let the child know how to behave correctly. Adults often say, “Do not…” or “Can not ..” which may reinforce bad behavior or even worsen their behaviors.

The above “Do not” can be changed as follows:

“Do not run” to “Walk slowly”, “Do not speak loudly” to “Speak softly”, “Do not stand in front of the television to watch” to “Sit on the sofa to watch television”

5. Understand the child’s emotion and feeling

When a child cries, how would you deal with it? Are you saying to him, “Don’t cry” “We do not need to cry over such a simple thing”?

We always misunderstand that negative emotions or feelings are a bad thing. When a child’s expresses negative emotion such as sadness, disappointment, discouragement, and anger, the first thing we do is to try to manage these emotions by telling the child not feel sad, or disappointed, or discouraged, or angry.

But have you thought that telling a child to manage these negative emotions will make them believe that their feelings are not accepted and then (going forward) they would not know how to deal with these negative emotions?

When a child is sad or disappointed, hug him and pat him and tell him, “Dad (mom) knows you lost your favorite toy and you’re not feeling happy!” Let the child know that the parents understand their feelings and the child can accept themselves.

They will learn to share their emotions with their parents. They will also learn to accept other people’s feelings in the future and thus will be able to establish trusting relationships.

A good communication between parent and child will be the basis to establish a good relationship.

Source:

8 psychologist-backed tips for improving communication with kids

7 Tips for Effective Communication with Your School-aged Child

All the contents published in this article are personal opinions and do not represent the opinions and views of Little Monkey Hong Kong.

About the Author

Scarlett is a working mom with a 4-year-old son, who knows the challenges encountered by working parents. She would like to share some thoughts on parenthood that may serve as support and encouragement for moms and dads.

Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Scarlesson

Website：https://www.scarlesson.com/